So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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