party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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