Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
