don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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