she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
