No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
