Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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