Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
where are my eyebrows?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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