I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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