Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
