She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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