she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
