I am puke
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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