apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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