Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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