two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
