I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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