I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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