Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
