The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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