Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
