3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
