So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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