On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
