I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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