Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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