Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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