I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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