Define "chronic" masturbator.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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