Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
