well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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