just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
