8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Randomize
