I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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