Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
