Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
