you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
