so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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