you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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