I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
