new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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