Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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