This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
