I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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