I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
im holly from the hills drunk
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize