This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
