Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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