jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
