capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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