Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
