Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
