I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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