I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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