Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
