My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
