Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
