just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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